Change is good.

Wow.....it's been an incredibly long length of time since my last entry. And so much has changed in my life. Where to start?

 

Sometime during May of last year, I started a "sugar free" diet. All processed sugar and even grains and starches were cut out of my life completely for 30 days (except one Subway sandwich and one single mini doughnut, because I was at an amusement park and you have to at least have one mini doughnut). And I started feeling really good, I mean after the first week of feeling like I would snap and kill someone passing by on the street for their half empty can of coke. And the best part was, I started losing weight, which has been a huge goal for me. So you can imagine I was quite happy about this. So the major diet change was made easier by the results. But after the 30 days, when I had started consuming "bad" food again, the weight still kept disappearing. And at first I thought that was great. I was doing absolutely nothing and eating junk and still losing weight. It was a win win. I figured the time spent being sugar free had kick started my body and the weight loss was just me becoming me again, considering the only reason I had gained the weight was from the massive amounts of anti depressants I had been given. I was finally feeling like the old Tessa and recognizing myself in the mirror. I felt amazing. But then the weight kept dropping and dropping and I started feeling funny all the time. I started being very dizzy and very very thirsty. I would wake in the middle of the night and stagger to the fridge in a zombie like state, driven by the intense need to drink water and it had to be ice cold water to satisfy me, not cold from the tap, fridge cold. And I would stand there and sometimes drink up to 8 glasses. I would drink so much I would be sick and still want to drink more. I knew something was wrong but I couldn't put my finger on what it was. And I'm the type of person that hates going to the doctor. I hate making a big deal out of things. I tough things out. But after 3 months, 40 pounds gone, eye sight starting to fail, dizziness all the time, wounds not healing, and severe shortness of breath, I caved and went to the ER.

 

There I was told I was in something called "DKA" and that I was now a diabetic. Type One to be exact, Insulin dependant. My body had for some unknown reason, decided to turn on itself and destroy the cells in my panaceas making it impossible for my body to produce it's own insulin. This means my body could not use the sugar I was ingesting for energy, forcing my body to start breaking down itself, both fat and muscle in order to keep running. The by product of this is something called a ketone. And having a large amount of ketones in your body will eventually kill you. I was dying. I was already familiar with Diabetes because it runs in my family. My Grams, who I'm extremely close to, has it also. And I had on many occasions gotten her to test my blood with her monitor and secretly enjoyed it. Looking back I think I cursed myself.

So I was now a diabetic and to make it even worse, most of my weight loss was due to the fact that I was super severely dehydrated and after an overnight stay in the hospital had gained back almost 20 pounds. I thought having the disease was worse enough but then to have the only positive outcome of the whole situation taken away....it's devastating.

 

Anyways I could go on and on about my diabetes but there's so much more to talk about. This post is about change and this is only one in a long list of changes that have happened in my life over the last 18 months. But it is late and I have written quite a bit so maybe I'll save the rest for the next post. But just to let you all know, being diagnosed as a diabetic has not slowed me down or lowered my spirits one bit. In fact alot of good has come out of this change, I have never been healthier in my life. The way I think about food and exercise has changed drastically for the better and I can proudly say that I have successfully lost and kept off all the weight I gained back after the diagnoses plus more. I have lost a total of 61 pounds all together and am very close to reaching my goal weight. And my blood sugar is under control. I worked very hard and quickly learned my carb to insulin ratio and am super dedicated to weighing my food and calculating carbs and taking the proper insulin doses for my body. My last A1C was a 6.3, which is very good. The means the average of about a 6-7 mmol over a 90 day period.

But it's late. I must sleep. And have good dreams. Hopefully.

 

Good night.

 

 

Welcome back Family Drama

So it's a new year. A new start. I find myself in this numb, sad state most of the time. And it's comfortable, at least I've made friends with it. My daughter started Preschool last week which means I'm on a schedule for most of the time, which I hate. but it's good for me. To actually get dressed in the morning. To go outside and get some much needed exercise. And I've actually started drinking water (that's huge for me).

But the golden rule is that when one part of your life gets better, another falls apart.

There's a lot of family drama brewing. And it feels like deja vu because we've been through it all before. It's hard when you see someone you love basically throwing their life away and you're helpless to stop it. It breaks my heart and it's so hard but I am distancing myself from the situation. There's nothing else I can do. I wish there was.

Still medication free. Still struggling day to day but that's life. Looking forward to this snow and cold being gone and summer returning. And I will try harder to find time to write.

Good night.



It's been too long.

I just got an email saying I've received a comment on my blog....I had completely forgotten about this blog, oops sorry bipolar blog lol. I guess I've just been busying doing nothing.

I'm still completely off any medications, which is huge for me. I hate having to take meds, especially when I feel in my heart there is nothing wrong with me. Everyone gets sad sometimes, right? And it passes.

I have been feeling sad lately. I guess it has a lot to do with being lonely. I have 2 children under the age of four and a husband so technically I'm not alone but I feel so isolated, sometimes it's paralyzing.

And what makes it even worse is that I've finally excepted the fact that I have no friends. Up until now I've still tried to reach out to my high school friends. Write them on Facebook and say we should get together and catch up and so on. And they used to at least write me back with excuses but now there's nothing. No response.

So I think it's finally time to except the fact that maybe they didn't even really like me. lol

I don't know.

I think this coming year is going to be a good year for me.

I'm going to get my license.

I'm going to lose 50 pounds of myself.

I'm going to spend time with my sisters and my brother.

And I'm going to be happy because I like me.

Oh and I'll try to write more, especially about my hospital stays and experiences with mental illness.

Now to try and get some beauty sleep.

Good night.

Time

This has been happening a lot lately...me staying up late. Not able to sleep. Head racing. Thoughts of sadness and regret. Thinking about how time has gone by so fast. It's not fair, especially when you feel like you've been cheated out of a lot of time. Time is so precious. And it really fucking scares me to think of more of it passing. Soon I will be old and everyone I know will be gone. I'll be one of those old women or men you see sitting at a restaurant eating alone. Soon my parent's will be gone and I'll have no one to turn to for help or advice. And that's a horrible scary thought. I don't want to be alone.

Hello Loneliness...My Old Friend.

"We're born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we are not alone.

 -Orson Welles

"Every living creature on Earth dies alone."

-From the movie Donnie Darko

It's strange when the fog of depression settles back upon you. It's like the heaviness never left. It's a comfortable old friend coming back to say hi. And suddenly everything sucks. Nothing in your life is good. But I know this will pass, it always does. And yes this old friend does seem to come around more than I'd like and definitely more than I've lead on to the outside world. I've become very good at pretending nothing is wrong when things are completely wrong. But I just breathe and live and wait and soon it leaves. And that's what I'm doing now....waiting.

I've written before about wishing I had friends and I'm gonna mention this again...I want some friends. Sometimes I think I'll go mad just because I have no one to talk to. And lately I have been in the company of two friends both male and that's great. But I really wish I had a girlfriend to talk to. Mostly I wish my sister would come home. I miss her more than I can express with words. And I feel like part of me is dead without her.

But now it's just important I stay busy....idle hands are the devil playground or something like that. Paint, write, Family tree research, Movies,  maybe finally getting my bike out of the basement, singing, playing the guitar again, laughing, smiling.  Doing all the things the old me used to do. And trying to love myself just as I am.

Sweet Dreams xo

(whoever is reading this)

I'm still alive....

Wow it's been an incredibly long time since I last wrote. But I am here, still kicking, just busying. I got caught up in family tree business which I am hopelessly addicted too. Believe it or not I even dream about doing my family tree and search names and finding documents. On the Bi-Polar front I am doing well. I'm down to 37.5 mgs of Effexor every second day with no withdrawal effects yet (knock on wood).

The only problem I have been experiencing is extreme exhaustion and wanting to stay in bad all day which is not a good thing when you have small children to care for. It's hard but I'm managing and I'm looking forward to my vacation to BC in 6 days. I know the sunshine and company of my Mother and Grandparents and other family will do me wonders.

Good night.....

Method to the Madness

"A mind is a terrible thing to measure"

-Adam Phillips (New York Times)

You know what's funny, the whole reason I was admitted into the Hospital was my "supposed suicide attempt", the accidental, too deep, self harming I had done while high on sleeping pills and while I was there no one ever asked me anything about it. My doctor didn't really talk to me at all. In fact she talked to my parents more. Pretty much all the info she had on me was second hand from my parents, who didn't have the first clue as to why I did what I did. The strategy there was to drug us instead of talk to us. In the movies you see people getting one on one therapy, lying on a couch, talking away, making breakthroughs....it's all bull shit, or at least in my experience. I think I had the shittiest doctor possible. She never asked me why I cut myself....in face the cutting which she obviously knew about, was never mentioned. I know now, looking back what triggered the cutting. But no one asked me how I felt about graduating, not knowing what I was going to do with the rest of my life. The routine I had and we all had of waking at 6 or 7, going to school, eating lunch, talking to friends, coming home, eating dinner, doing homework, going to sleep and then staring it all over again the next day, was gone. And it hit me hard, harder than I thought it would. And then there was the whole thing with my parent's divorce. That was something that affected me deeply although I hating admitting to it. And there were personal things I had bottled away. Things that happened that I pretend didn't and they surfaced now and again. But I never had the opportunity to discuss these things with anyone. I was told I was Bi Polar, case closed. No explanation.

And those drugs they give you are horrible things. To help me sleep I was given Seroquel and Risperdal which are both  anti psychotics....pretty heavy stuff to be prescribed as a sleep aid. I was also given Lithium, clonazepam, Wellbutrin, Effexor and several other drugs I can't remember the names of. The side effects were terrible. I wouldn't wish them on anyone. But it's getting late and I must get some beauty rest.