Finally some peace and quiet

"Years ago, it meant something to be crazy. Now everyone's crazy."
-Charles Manson

So I really wanted to commit to this and write every night but I'm starting to see that that's not possible, especially with 2 small children. Not to mention the fact that sometimes I just can't write. It doesn't flow. I guess that's called writer's block, right?

Since 2005 I've been slowly reducing the number and doses of medication I was given. I'm now currently on the smallest dose of an anti-depressant called Effexor and I'm stable for the most part but there's this underlying consist sedation in me. This lack of energy and motivation to live. I am constantly wanting to sleep because sleep makes time pass. I love sleeping. If I had some time to myself which I haven't in 3 years, but if I did, I'd spend it sleeping. I function well. I take care of my kids. I'm a really good Mom. But I don't really have a life other than that. Who is Tessa? I have no idea anymore. The last time I did anything with another adult that wasn't my family or husband was for my birthday, May 2010. That's almost a year ago. Sometimes I find myself thinking about my friends....where they are now, what they're doing? And I wonder how I lost contact. I know it all boils down to grade 12 and me having my first real boyfriend and becoming so involved in that world, in that relationship that it basically cut off the other's oxygen supply. And then there's the whole being hospitalized and drugged up and sleeping for a couple of years and really not remembering anything from 2003-2005. And people move on with their lives, meet new people, get married, get Jobs, go to school,  have families.....I just miss my friends. I find it so weird when I hear someone actually say my name because I never hear it. It shocks me at first and I think "oh yeah that's my name".

But I'm not saying that it's not my fault either. I know there are times when I don't want to talk to anyone so I can only assume that when I was at my worst I probably felt that way and I probably rejected any kind of friendship out reach that was made.

But getting back to my medication...how did I wander over to this subject anyways.....I'm thinking of going on a new anti-depressant. I never got the complete drive or passion back to my life that I lost when I started all the medication in the hospital. And I want that back. So maybe that's what I need as much as I am against drugs, I think maybe I'll try something new. I've been on Effexor since I was 16....that's a long time. I need a change.