the origin of my demons

"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you."

                                                                                           

 -Rita Mae Brown

I said before that I haven't had a proper diagnoses, or one that I felt was justified. But I can tell you from my own research and talking to my family physician I've come to the conclusion that I am rapid cycle bi-polar. Which means I have severe ups and downs that come very quickly but also can change very quickly.

When something upsets me, and it can be a little thing something stupid, incredible insignificant. I can actually anticipate my mood coming down immediately.  Almost like I can feel the sudden cease of happy chemicals being produced in my head. I think of it like the little workers up there suddenly went on strike. No more neurotransmitters (the chemicals responsible for carrying signals in the brain).

Now I'm not saying that I need to have my way all the time and that people need to walk on egg shells around me, but I've had to really practice holding back and not running away with my emotions.

Breathing exercises, taking a long shower or just having some "alone" time are some of the tricks I use.

It's taken me a long time to admit to myself that this is something I'll carry with me forever. Mental illness is not something that will just go away. It is something I will always struggle with but I would rather do it my way than with the drugs the doctors throw at you. I'm happy to say that I'm on only one anti-depressant and a very small dose at that. But it wasn't always like that. At one time I was on no less than 8 medications at once. Anti-depressants, Anti-anxiety meds, Mood stabilizers, Sleeping pills and even an Anti-Psychotic medication which was completely unnecessary.

These drugs had terrible side affects. I gained 60 pounds in less than 6 months. I literally woke one morning to discover the pants I had worn the night before, no longer fit me. You can imagine the damage this would do to someone's self esteem, yet alone a 120 pound, 19 year old girl. I slurred my words. I tripped and fell a lot. I pretty much slept for 2 years straight. I lost touch with all my friends and slipped into this isolated hermit lifestyle. Not only did I become 50 times more depressed on all these medications that were meant to help me, but I could no longer function.

My mother would yell at me for slurring my words and being "high", when all I was doing was exactly what the doctors told me too. I felt like a complete failure. No matter what I did it was always wrong. I could never make the situation right.

I became very very angry and I bottle that rage for a long time.